It’s difficult to remain joyful in a world full of distractions, ignorance, and evil. Like every generation, the world is closer to the end than ever before. Evil is more prevalent, and the devil’s work is being done at all-time record speeds. People are self-centered, greedy, full of pride, anger, and malice. They are full of themselves, judgmental, gossips, and refuse to see past the ends of their noses. Freedom of speech is exercised more than silence, and people proudly display their ignorance and small-world views. The good ole boys remain strong; everyone else is less than. People are too busy judging others by their shoes to put them on and go for a walk.
It’s been a while since I’ve been here. And it’s not because I haven’t had anything to say, any deep thoughts or ideas. I just needed to step back and observe for a while. And now my mind is full, my heart is void, and my soul aches. I need to organize the chaos, control my thoughts, and purge the noise.
Lately there have been a few blessings: answered prayers and miracles for immediate needs. They were a good distraction from my own trials and tribulations. If only I made it a habit to pray for myself the way I do for loved ones. I’ve gone silent with my own petitions because I’ve felt as though I’ve been wandering the desert for 42 years. It’s hot, there is no pool, and I don’t love it. I hope to be rescued soon.
This is another time I wished I could sit on a park bench with Mother Teresa and ask for all the wisdom and advice. I have so many questions. I often wonder if she’d have answers for a woman of the Western World. It’s hard to say. She would probably tell me to do good, anyway, focus on the truth as I know it to be (sometimes I question what that may be), and remember who has the final say.
I’ve done everything I can think of to change what I don’t like, but nothing works out. I am not a patient person and am growing weary. As I type this, I realize the one thing I can certainly control in all of life’s unpredictability and bullshit is my attitude. That is a difficult task for anyone. Sometimes I ace the test and sometimes I fail. If only it were as easy as school always came to me. (I really miss school, too. If I were rich, I’d go back just for the challenge of it all.)
I miss all my people. I don’t see nearly enough of them–and there are many! (I am blessed with so many friends.) I see my best friend most weekends and my therapist (who I very much admire, appreciate, and look up to) every week. These have been my only consistent lifelines for a while. And it’s hard to remember who you are, what you are capable of, and how much you are loved when you’re subjected to all the wrong people and don’t make time for yours.
I may not pray for myself, but in times of desperation, I reach out to several trusted people and ask for prayers. I know they have me covered, and although I’m still stranded, I believe God hears them. I just wish He heard my silent cries.
The enemy has a way of making you forget how loved you are (by God–and lots of other people, in my case) by isolating you during times of torture and despair. He keeps you too busy to reach out to others who can save you from yourself. He blinds you from seeing the beauty, positivity, and light.
In a recent conversation with my favorite Professor of all time, I was telling him of my struggles and feelings of despair. I explained my surroundings and how they are affecting me. I told him I have nowhere to escape. He said to me “You are loved. Escape to love.” I asked him what that means. He said “Look around you. Find it in the people, places, and things you know.”
I had to think about that for a while. And once I came down from being emotionally charged, it made sense. So here I am, escaping to love.
I have one of the largest support systems anyone could dream of. If I decided I needed to escape my personal hell and run to a friend, I could call several and have somewhere to go almost immediately. Making friends has never been a challenge for me. When I was doing comedy on a frequent basis, I had dozens of people show up for me every week. The first time I ever took a comedy stage, I had 38 people come out. And one show I was headlining, 265 of the 270 tickets were bought by people who knew and adored me.
I have had some unimaginable kindnesses bestowed upon me over the years. When I was 22, I tore my knee and was off work for 3 months. I didn’t have money to pay my car payments, and a dear friend who received an inheritance wrote me a check to pay off my Cadillac and let me pay her back in payments once I was working again. And that was her idea. I would never ask anyone for anything.
Another time I had lung surgery, and my friend who was a nurse on another floor of that hospital came to see me that night. I was alone in CCU, high on lots of pain meds, and a little scared. She walked right in, brushed and braided my hair (to get it out of my face and away from me) and fed me my dinner: soup broth, Italian ice, and Jello. It was my left lung and I’m left-handed so I couldn’t feed myself. She was angry those nurses didn’t ask or even think about it.
I had a very dear friend (God rest her soul) take me to the ER on several occasions early in the morning because I had injuries that kept me from being able to walk. She was often times my rock, my prayer warrior, my second mother, my spiritual guide, and one of very few people I was comfortable with being myself as I figured out who that was.
When I lost one of my jobs (due to no fault of my own), a friend gave me money to keep up with appointments, got me gas cards to drive to interviews, and gift cards for the grocery store so I would have what I needed. This friend is one of my favorite people of all time, one I cannot imagine my life without. I love and appreciate her more than I can put into words. My adoration for her is a good place to escape as she has made my life infinitely better by merely existing.
I have had crazy generosities bestowed upon me–not only by my friends and family and chosen family, but their friends as well. I’m not about materialistic things, but I recognize that is the love language of many, and I am humbled to have been thought of throughout my life.
It’s nice to be wanted. It’s great to be needed. It’s indescribable to be loved and adored the way I have been for 42 years. It’s humbling beyond every standing ovation I’ve ever had.
When I think of these things, along with the goodness of my people, the adversities shrink. The problems fade with the sunset. The people who don’t matter go back to their rightful place in my life, and I am not bothered by any of it. Some days are easier than others.
I’ve had so many great memories with so many people that if I were to think about it all day long, every single day, nothing could bother me. No one could get to me. I would be untouchable to the devil. And that’s where I need to be. Just like my professor said, I need to escape to love, to people, places, and things I know. And that will bring me to a place of gratitude. And when you’re in such a place, I imagine it is much easier to endure the wait for the page to turn and the chapter to end.
“Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–If anything is praisworthy–think about such things.” Philipians 4:8
It’s good to be back. Happy Sunday, Friends. May God help us all escape to love. Amen.
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