This past week has been a difficult one–full of prayers I didn’t think I’d need to say anytime soon. But here we are.

I know I’m not the only one who questions the ways of God, the timing of God, or the reasons and ways things happen. I just wish we had some answers. Or peace. Maybe peace brings us all the answers we need.

Being someone who is accident prone and also used to have a death wish, I’ve been at the mercy of God for survival many, many times. I’ve also been the recipient of His grace and mercy every single day. And throughout my life, I’ve been saved from myself and spared from so much. It’ll take me a lifetime to figure out why. But that’s a thought to ponder another time.

During some of those times, those accidents, I was left alone in hospital beds–or even my bed at home. I remember hearing doctors tell my parents if I fell asleep, I would not wake up. I was so tired I didn’t care. I was ready to go at the age of 11, but God was not ready for me. And while I cannot recall what was happening to me, I know something was happening to everyone around me. Same scenario, many times throughout the years. (head injuries, scary surgeries, etc.)

And now here I am. I’m almost 45. I’ve lost so many people to so many things. I’ve seen so many loved ones in hospital beds. And some never left them. I’ve said goodbye to people who took their last breaths shortly after I left their rooms. I’ve said goodbye to people I didn’t get to see before they met their Maker. And each time someone is sick or dying, the same thoughts cross my mind.

When I get sick, it seems like God is telling me I am doing too much and need rest–even if it is some freak injury or disease that requires surgery and not just cough syrup, orange juice, and a week off work. And when I am injured–I look at it the same. God gave me rest I didn’t know I needed. And He slows down everyone else in my life. Just like any time a loved one has been sick, hurt, or dying. We slow down. We come to their aid. We support each other in ways we don’t otherwise though we should while we hope and pray for life and more chances. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t.

And while we gather to hope and pray, what is God doing to the person with whom all our attention is focused? What is He doing with them as they lie in bed on pain meds, barely moving, mostly sleeping with little to no understanding that their world has paused, hoping, praying, and dreaming for better days with them.

I always wondered what God is doing with the souls of the sick, hurt, or dying–while the rest of us gather around. Is He talking to them? Preparing them for the next life? Getting them ready to transition? Giving them one last chance to accept Him and His Invitation to Heaven? Is He working hard on their souls? Or is He working on ours?

My thoughts began to turn yesterday as I watched my best friend’s 89-year-old mother lie in that hospital bed, mostly asleep, trying to heal from hip surgery and some other serious issues as a result. She seemed at peace while the rest of us are not. That’s when my thoughts turned. Maybe God is working on those who are sick, hurt, or dying, but He’s working on the rest of us, too. Maybe more.

We examine our own hearts and souls when those we love are facing their own mortalities. We turn inward in hopes of seeing them again once we do have to say goodbye. We turn inward in hopes that if we are sincere, God will hear our cries and keep our loved ones with us. We turn inward with flashbacks of everyone else we’ve lost before, mourning them all over again. And we turn inward because God has silenced us, shed light on what’s dark within us, giving us yet another chance at peace. And the irony is, He is offering peace at times that are most chaotic. That’s where faith comes in. Without being able to see the bigger picture, we are completely lost. We miss another chance at peace. We are left angry, bitter, hopeless, and depressed. We squander even more time we have been given to make things right. And if we are lucky, God helps us get out of our own ways to focus on what’s important. And sometimes, He even gives us more time with our loved ones in the process.

As I stood over that bed yesterday, wondering what God was doing with her, I realized I was asking the wrong questions. What is God doing with me? What is God doing through me? Am I allowing God to use me? How can I help? What can I do to serve God, my best friend, and her mom?

Then I thought of Mother Theresa and the many people she took care of in their last hours. She didn’t question what God was doing with any of them. She often asked God what He was doing with her and through her. She asked God how He was using her. And she left the rest to Him.

When I was much younger, I wanted to move across the world and do missionary work like that of the nuns. I wanted to help the most vulnerable in their times of need. Fear kept me here. And then life experience and wisdom showed me I didn’t need to move to do God’s work. It’s all around me. I just have to be willing to be used. I feel sad of the realities of the week, but I feel honored to be used here. And God is softening my heart with each moment of sadness and uncertainty, and with every tear that runs down my face.

May God bless the elderly, the most fragile and vulnerable. May He give the rest of us eyes to see them, ears to hear them, hearts to serve them, and an ever-lasting desire to see it through. May He give us enough wisdom to stay mindful that time is fleeting, life is precious, and He will take back the ones He’s given us. Amen.