Mental vomit

It’s been a while. I can’t recall…maybe a year? Maybe longer? For quite some time I thought over and over about what I might write about, what I should focus on, what is running through my mind and weighing on my soul. There is so so so much. Then I think it’s a waste of time to articulate my thoughts on current affairs or the state of the world. I’d rather not be more depressed nor do I want to pass that along. That narrows it down a little.

For a while I’ve felt this pressure–to be intelligent, eloquent, raw in my honesty,  and open like a book. Then there’s the other side that wants to be a smartass, misses the stage, and wishes my therapist would stop telling me to go back to comedy.  (I think she should be giving me a copay at this point.) I love the comedy stage, miss it, and fear it at the same time. This PC world ain’t for me. I’ve always said people who are PC are little bitches who are afraid to say what they really think. Lucky for you and me, I’m not that bitch. (Is that really lucky, though? lol) I’m a bitch of a different color–kinda like that horse–only no ass. All titties over here–which I’m hoping will shrink some as I lose this weight. But yeah—you always know where I stand, that I really prefer to sit, and I love a good argument. lol.  Back to weight…

Why does it take five seconds to put on weight but years to take it off?? I swear I’m one chin away from saying fuck it and having surgery. Not really–unless I can get some good pain meds! I wish there was a pizza diet because I’d be the skinniest girl you know! God bless the inventor of that deliciousness. And cake! How could anyone not like cake??!?! Rectangles of heaven with sweet frosting…I feel my weight going up with every thought. God, forgive me. And send me a pizza, will ya? Thanks!

I haven’t been able to exercise much lately. It’s too hot for the usual bike rides, my pool is still closed, and I am afraid to go to the gym. I swear this virus got half the world acting like Howie Mandel. No handshake for you! Or you! Or any of you!! I wonder how that poor bastard is navigating through this bullshit. I bet you ain’t even getting the fist bump. I bet he ain’t even making eye contact with people. I bet his wife hasn’t gotten a hug (or anything else) in months. lol. What Hell! Especially those who live with him!

Have you ever seen Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs?? It’s so good. I’m not sure if I think so because of the actual story or because of the fact that food falls from the sky. How glorious!! I feel we’d all pray more and thank God for the food more often if it came that way. I know I’d be super thankful if a cheeseburger fell down to me once in a while. And some pancakes–but only from cracker barrel or my grandma. And pizza! You can have the meatballs. I’m good. I’m also getting hungry while I think about this. Good thing I don’t smoke pot. lol.

If you haven’t seen the sequel–don’t!! I find it frightening and feel like it sends mixed messages. It went from food is good to food is scary. The little pats of butter and marshmallows were cute, but the minute that hamburger and french fries turned into a spider, I was done. Couldn’t eat for a few hours. Might’ve lost a few pounds. It was that serious! Scared me like Gremlins.

Have you ever seen the Gremlins–or at least the memes–where they get wet and all hell breaks loose. Suddenly they’re wearing leather jackets, have jagged teeth, janky smiles, and are smoking cigarettes, drinking beer, and seem to be looking for or listening to Satan?? I swear they’re from Kenmore. I know them! They’re cute until the whisky and cocaine.

Like my uncle says, “Ohio is a good place to be from.”

Back to the fatness…have any of you ever tried all these healthy options with zucchini and cauliflower?? Zucchini noodles and all things zucchini are wonderful…but cauliflower pizza…cauliflower rice…that shit is for people who already hated food to begin with!! Whoever thought cauliflower would be sufficient and a tasty floor for pepperoni, cheese, bacon, peppers, etc has lost their damn mind! I bet it was the same guy who invented sports bras for women with big tits! I’d get better support if I hired a couple midgets to walk around in front of me and hold me up all day. The nerve of some people!!! And that cauliflower rice is garbage. It doesn’t taste like rice! It tastes like nothing and has the consistency of a more dry bowl of grits. I bet even a baby would spit that out! Can babies eat that?? Keep me away from your babies cause Idk things. lol.

I must stop now. I’m getting hungry. Maybe next time I’ll have something good to say. Pizza, anyone??

 

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